Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
