Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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