shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
