there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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