If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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