the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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