you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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