You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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