It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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