the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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