I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
