Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
