I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
