she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
