does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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