I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
