My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
