I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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