ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
