I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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