just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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