How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
