i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
