just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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