Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
i now understand why vodka
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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