I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
