Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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