Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
