Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
