its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
