textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
