By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My penis needs a shock collar
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
