I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
