I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
