Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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