you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
