First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
