my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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