Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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