oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We left an ass print on the piano.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
