Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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