"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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