We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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