Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
