also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
