Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
