Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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