It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
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