maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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