After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
